


you or your memory

by buckysbears (DrZebra)



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: ANOTHER PERSON WHO UNDERSTANDS WHAT THEYVE GONE THROUGH, Angst, But now they have each other, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional self-harm, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Hyper-Vigilance, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Nightmares, Oh and Also, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, THE GIRLS WILL BE ALRIGHT, Whump, and i think now that theyre safe theyre going to be dealing with the fallout, because i couldn't be this mean and not let them cuddle a lot, look the girls have had some rough lives, other characters have brief appearances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24294337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrZebra/pseuds/buckysbears
Summary: They're safe now, they have to keep reminding themselves of that.They're safe now, so why are they always waiting for the other shoe to drop?Catra and Adora's past continues to haunt them, but now they have each other, and they aren't letting go.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 140
Kudos: 1050





	you or your memory

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in ........ 24 hours  
> someone please stop me 8) 
> 
> THANK YOU SO MUCH AGENTCALLIOPE FOR BETAING AND BEING MY ROCK IN GENERAL 
> 
> (cw: ptsd symptoms, nightmares, discussion of child abuse and the lasting effects, discussion of shadow weaver, emotional self harm and self hatred)

They were okay. 

That’s what they had to keep reminding themselves. Over and over. They were okay, the threat was gone. The battle, long and weary though it was, was over. 

They were finally together, which is how it should have been all along. 

It was hard to remember that, sometimes. 

There were days where all they did was wait for the other shoe to drop. For someone to say, _surprise, the war is here, it never left_. 

They were nervous when they had no right to be nervous, restless when all was well. 

They noticed it in each other, even when no one else did. They might have stopped being on the same page years ago, but they knew how to read the language.

-

When Adora woke, she didn’t scream. She didn’t thrash, she didn’t cry. She woke with half a gasp and froze, lying completely still with wide, wet eyes pointed up at the ceiling.

There was a heavy weight across her chest, and that almost scared her. But, despite it all, despite all the time that had passed, that was still familiar, even in her half-woken state.

She knew Catra could feel her shaking. She’d been asleep at the foot of the bed when Adora had finally dozed off. It still astounded her how Catra knew. She always knew. She was a light sleeper, sure, but her ability to tell when Adora was having a nightmare was uncanny, some sort of sixth sense.

Adora took a shaking breath through her nose, not trusting herself to unclench her jaw to let it out.

“You don’t have to be so quiet anymore, you know.”

Catra’s voice rumbled against Adora’s chest, breath hot against the side of her neck.

“We’re in Bright Moon. Everything’s okay. We’re not …” Catra cleared her throat, quiet. “With them.”

 _Home_ , Adora thought. She knew, deep down, that’s how Catra still thought of it. She knew because, deep down, that’s how she thought of it too.

With uncontrollable tremors, she raised her arms to encircle Catra’s back. That too was familiar. Bow had told her once of the toys he’d had as a child—teddy bears, he’d called them—and explained their use. Adora had been, regrettably, embarrassed. One, that a child would be so open with the things they loved, and two, because … well, she’d always had Catra.

She hadn’t told him that, though.

Adora squeezed. She took another breath, which quickly got stuck in her throat.

“Hey,” Catra whispered, nuzzling her cold nose against Adora’s neck. “You’re alright.”

Adora nodded hastily, as though her agreement would make it true. In truth, it wasn’t, it wasn’t at all. Though growing up in the Horde had trained her into suffering through nightmares with silent stoicism, they always rattled her far more deeply than she let on.

“You can …” Catra paused, as if unsure she should continue. “You can cry, if you want.”

Adora’s arms only trembled harder, squeezed so hard she could feel the breath escape Catra’s chest. She shook her head.

She could tell that Catra was quietly trying to regain her breath before she continued. Adora felt bad, but no matter how she willed it, she couldn’t let go.

“It’s supposed to be … It’s supposed to be good for you, Perfuma said. Like it- it releases, um. She said something about soil and rain, and, uh, chemicals? Definitely something about chemicals.”

Adora bit her tongue so hard she wondered if she’d bite it off. She still hadn’t made a sound, had barely moved, besides her trembling.

“I’m just … trying to say … You don’t have to be strong _all_ the time, you big dummy.”

“I _do_ ,” Adora gasped, and Catra clenched at the anguish in her voice. “I _do_ , because if I’m not, if I slip, I’ll just- I’ll just _break_ , and I’ll keep breaking, and- and _no one_ will be able to put me back together and I’ll be _useless_ and—”

She screwed her eyes shut, jaw shaking.

“And then no one will want you,” Catra finished.

Adora made a noise that was maybe a breath or maybe an agreement or maybe a sob. She wasn’t sure what it was, foreign even to her own ears.

“That’s dumb,” Catra grumbled. Adora’s nails dug a little into her back. “You think if you slip up _once_ people will just get rid of you? How many times have I absolutely screwed the living shit out of everything up, and you still forgave me? We forgave each other, for everything, all the gross, messy stuff. Even from when we were kids. And the people here, your- our friends, they’re like- they’re like _way_ better than us at this stuff, like the mushy _oh it’s okay I totally forgive and love you_ kind of stuff. Like we’re monumentally fucked about all of that, but, like- You really think _Bow_ is gonna be mad if you have a nightmare? Seriously, Bow? I mean, shit, Glimmer wakes up half the castle when she has one. You know what happens? Sleepovers, usually. With ice cream. So, like. Yeah. If you think they wouldn’t like you anymore because you have nightmares, that’s just … that’s just really dumb, Adora.”

There was quiet as she processed that, as she let the words wash over her and rumble against her chest. Her arms had stopped shaking, for the most part. A tear had, traitorously, dripped into her ear.

“I don’t …” Adora had to work to swallow before she could continue. “I don’t want them to know I’m still scared.”

Suddenly, Catra’s warmth left her, and Adora was worried, for a terrible, horrible moment, that Catra was going to leave.

But the other girl had only pulled back to see her face.

Adora stared up at her through watery eyes.

“Why aren’t you allowed to just be a person?”

Adora’s hands grasped at her back.

“Because I’m She-ra.”

“ _No_ ,” Catra bit back. “You’re- Not right now. You’re _Adora_.”

Slowly, she shifted back down, pressing a lingering kiss to Adora’s cheekbone, just below her eye.

“You’re Adora. And Adora’s are allowed to cry.”

So, she did.

She cried. Horrible, gulping, desperate sobs—clawing for purchase in the back of Catra’s shirt. She cried because she was still scared, she cried because she _had been_ scared and was, well, too afraid to show it. She cried because she had never gotten to as a child, and at some point it had all built up. She cried and kept crying because … chemicals, or something. It was making her feel better.

And the whole time, Catra. Warm on top of her, a steady presence, holding her tight and whispering that she wasn’t going to let go.

She did fall back asleep, eventually. She’d spent herself, and she was ready. This time it was with Catra in her arms, not by her feet, just warm and breathing and there.

She didn’t know if she would have another nightmare. Chances were high she would.

But that was okay.

They’d deal with it together. 

-

She noticed that Catra got a little … jumpy … around some people. She figured that was normal, that was par for the course, with everything that had happened. It had taken her a while to warm up to Bow and Glimmer, but now she had all the princesses, a whole castle, to get used to. So, it was understandable. Adora figured that if Catra needed to talk about it, she would. She’d been getting better at it, at Perfuma’s gentle insistence.

She didn’t realize how bad it was, though, around Micah. Why would she think to pay attention to that? They didn’t really have a history, as far as Adora knew. Micah was a pleasant soul, though his dad jokes and general … weirdness could be a little much sometimes. But then, Adora put together that she hadn’t seen them around each other all that much. Catra would be there, Micah would step in, and then Catra would be gone.

They were making snacks in the kitchen one day, she, Catra, Glimmer, and Bow. Which was—okay, frankly? A disaster. None of them knew anything about cooking. Glimmer had never had to, Bow was the last in his family to be allowed in the kitchen (he liked to “experiment” and was “liable to burn the house down” according to his fathers), and Adora and Catra could barely tell sugar from protein powder.

So, it was doomed from the start. But, they were having fun, which is what they really wanted.

Okay, they were having “fun” in that they’d sort of thrown ingredients at each other for a while, and then Bow had, actually, legitimately, set something on fire.

In their haste to put it out, they didn’t notice Micah come in behind them.

“Kids, what are you _doing?_ ”

He said it loudly, which might have been part of the problem. It was a slightly-panicked-but-hiding-it-by-being-stern dad voice. Adora didn’t blame him; for one, he was good at it, and for two, he hadn’t gotten to use it all that much.

She was just turning around to explain, _no really it’s totally fine we got this_ , when Catra jumped, ears flat and tail poofing, hissed, and bolted from the room.

They each stared in silence. The fire crackled behind them.

“I’m gonna- You guys- I just need to- Okay, yeah. Bye.”

And then Adora was gone, too.

Luckily, she knew where to look. Even if this hadn’t happened before (not _this,_ this, but things like this) she would’ve had a good guess. Catra wouldn’t be in their room, because you _never_ go to the bedroom, that’s the first place people will look (if they want to yell, admonish, punish). She’d be in that one closet. Second floor. It was near a stairwell, but not one people used often. That’s where they kept the backup _of_ the backup supplies. It was dark, dusty, forgotten. So that’s where Adora went.

The door was slightly ajar.

“Catra?” Adora let her hand rest on the door. “It’s me. I’m going to come in.”

There was no response, but that wasn’t unusual. If Catra didn’t want her around, she’d soon know, either from an angry hiss or an angrier swipe of claws (she’d _apologized_ , Adora had forgiven, it was fine). She eased the door open and slipped in, letting it mostly close behind her.

She was met with the sound of ragged, panicked breathing.

Adora quickly located the source of the noise and found her amidst the crates and flour sacks. She’d pushed herself into the corner of the wall, head in her hands, body curled. She wasn’t okay. That was easy to see. Her body grew and shrank with the labor of her breaths.

Adora sat across from her, brow furrowed.

“It’s me,” she started quietly. “I need you to slow your breathing down, can you do that?”

Catra’s ear twitched, but the panicked breaths continued.

“Is it okay if I touch you? I won’t until you tell me it’s okay.”

There wasn’t a change, not at first. The girl continued to grasp at the short-but-growing hair on her head, her body shaking.

But then—

One hand, reaching out.

Adora took her hand and used it to pull the other girl into her waiting lap. Catra let herself be pulled, let herself fall against her steady chest. She buried her face in the crook of Adora’s neck, hands grasping desperately in her shirt.

“I’ve got you,” Adora said, pulling her close. “I’ve got you, it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Catra shook. She cried out, something angrier than a sob. Adora held her, and didn’t stop when one of Catra’s hands pounded against her chest.

Adora’s hand rose to cover it.

“I need you to breathe for me.”

Catra curled closer.

“Come on.” She rubbed a hand up and down Catra’s back, exactly the speed she wanted. “Just like that. Match that. You’ve got to slow down, okay?”

Catra’s fist unfurled and laid flat on Adora’s chest.

Adora took a deep breath in, timing it with the motions of her hand. Catra took a gasping inhale. Adora let her hand slide down Catra’s spine as she breathed out, and Catra tried to match.

“There you go. I need you to keep doing that.”

And she breathed in, and so did Catra, and out, and so did Catra, and it was only minutes until the girl was calmed and quiet in her arms.

Adora let her cheek pillow on Catra’s head, even though her pointed ear was tickling her neck.

“What happened?” she whispered. “Micah came in and you got spooked.”

“Mm.”

“Do you not like him? Was he too loud?”

“N-No, it’s not …”

Adora rubbed a hand up and down her arm. Catra sniffled against her neck.

“I’d really appreciate it if you told me. I won’t do anything about it if you don’t want me to.”

Catra nodded, minutely, and pressed closer.

“He- He _smells_ like—” Her hands clung to Adora. “-like magic, like sorcery.”

“Oh.”

Catra had always had a deft nose. It was good for finding people, for finding her way around. Her eyesight had always been just a little off (Adora secretly thought it was because of the colors) and she’d admitted, only once, when they were kids, that she used her nose to make up for it. But Adora hadn’t thought … She definitely noticed that people had smells. Glimmer’s was … a little fizzy, for lack of a better term, like that popping candy. Bow smelled like wood, the kind he made his arrows with. Adora smelled, perhaps regrettably, of sweat. She was always climbing, jumping, fighting, training. She hated the perfumey soaps they had in Bright Moon. Catra didn’t mind, though. She’d told her she didn’t mind.

“He reminds you of—”

“Yeah.”

Adora nodded. She held her a little closer.

“I know she—” Catra’s voice shook. “In the end, she—”

“You don’t have to forgive her.”

“I _don’t_ ,” Catra immediately bit. “I won’t, I- I _can’t_ , not after … everything.”

Adora rocked her, just a little. “No one would blame you for that.”

Catra’s words were wet, as if on the verge of a sob. “I _hate_ that I miss her. I- I shouldn’t, it- it’s so _stupid_ , I- I _hated_ her, I still do. I hate her more than anything. I wish I’d never known her! I wish we’d had someone, anyone, else. But, I just … There’s this … this place, now. This sort of … hole. I hated that she was there, but she was there, and now she’s not, and … and it’s stupid, but it’s scary! It’s _weird_ she’s not there, no matter how much I’m happy she’s gone. I feel … I feel like an _idiot_. I feel like maybe it all wasn’t real. Maybe I was making it up! Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought! Shit, what if I deserved it, what if—”

“ _Hey._ ”

Catra froze, trembling.

“Look at me.”

The girl in her arms was still. But, after a moment, she unfurled enough to look Adora in the eye. Her own were wet with unshed tears.

“You. Did. Not. Deserve. It. Okay? I want you to say that back to me.”

“Adora …”

“I need you to say it.”

Catra’s lips twisted, and finally, a tear slipped down her cheek. “I didn’t deserve it.”

“Any of it.”

“Any of it.”

“You were a _child_ , and you didn’t deserve it.”

“I was a child,” Catra repeated shakily back, “and I didn’t deserve it.”

“Okay,” Adora said. Her muscles relaxed. “That’s a lot of feelings you’ve been having. I get now why Micah set you off.”

“It’s—”

“It’s _not dumb_.”

Catra’s mouth clamped shut.

“Okay? It’s not. It’s perfectly understandable. It’s probably even _normal_ , if anything about our lives is. Look- What we- What she—”

Adora’s eyebrows furrowed, trying to put together her words. She was much better at feeling than speaking about what she was feeling. Her thoughts always made more sense in her head.

“Sorry,” Catra mumbled.

Adora shook her head. “No, you don’t have to be. Look, I’m just trying to say … Shadow Weaver was horrible. To you more than anyone else. But she was—” Her eyebrows drew further, and she let out a sigh of frustration. “She was our person. And she should’ve been better to us. To you. We didn’t have much of anything, but we had Shadow Weaver, and … well, most of the time that sucked. I didn’t really understand until later just how much it sucked for you. It was- No child should have to go through that. I know I’ve apologized before, but I’m sorry. I’m sorry she treated you that way.”

Catra blinked, slow, and nodded. She let her head drop to Adora’s shoulder, nudging against her neck.

“Wasn’t your fault.”

“I should’ve—” Adora’s hands gripped Catra just a little too tight. “I wish we had someone that could’ve stopped it.”

“Me too,” Catra mumbled.

Adora sighed, letting her thumb stroke in small circles on Catra’s arm. “Just … Just because, in the end, she did one good thing, doesn’t mean … It doesn’t mean you have to forgive her, or it makes the rest of it okay. You don’t have to forgive her.”

“You forgave me.”

“That’s different.”

“How?” Catra croaked.

Adora took a moment, and she could feel Catra’s heartbeat quicken.

“Because I could defend myself against you,” she decided on. “And I did. You were mad at me, and you took it out on me. And that made me mad at you, and I took it out on you. It … It was bad. We shouldn’t have. And some things about that are going to hurt for a long time. But when it mattered, you did the right thing. And you’ve been doing the right thing every day since. You’re sorry, so you changed. I think, even at the end, she never really changed.”

Catra let her arms slip around Adora’s waist.

“I’m trying to make up for it,” she said, earnest, open. “I’m trying. I want to be better. I never- I never want to turn out like—”

“You won’t.” Adora squeezed her. “Okay? You’re not going to.”

“Stop me,” Catra whispered, “if … if I start.”

“I always do,” Adora promised.

-

There’d been a fire in her nerves all day. Her hands shook no matter how she tried to still them. Adora felt … angry, though she didn’t know why. She had no one to be angry at, but still, she felt that quiet rage she used to channel into battle. She wondered if she was only angry to make up for the fact that she felt horribly, dreadfully afraid. 

Nothing had even _happened_ , that was the stupid part. It’s not like anything had set her off. The day before had been lovely—wonderful, even. She’d spent it with the princesses, telling of the rebuilding efforts, catching up, swapping stories. They’d never gotten to just … be together. As friends. Not battle partners, not strategists, not leaders. They were just friends, and that was nice.

They were all going to be having breakfast together before they set off back for their own kingdoms. Adora didn’t want to go. She was too antsy, about to jump out of her own skin. She knew she was going to snap at someone, and she knew that would make her feel worse. And, to top it all off, she couldn’t bring herself to touch Catra. She could barely even look at her.

Catra had definitely noticed.

It’s not that she was mad _at_ Catra. She was just angry and, for some reason, interacting with her just made it worse. The other girl had given her a kiss good morning, and Adora had almost punched a wall. She hadn’t, because she could just imagine how far that would set them both back. She just _really_ needed to fight something. But she wouldn’t. She knew she wouldn’t be able to hold herself back.

Catra watched her from the bed as Adora snatched clothes off the floor and threw them into the closet.

“Are you mad at me?”

Adora’s hands gripped into fists. She sounded … resigned. Like she knew the answer she was going to get, and had been waiting to hear it.

“No,” Adora said, not turning to face her. She dropped the clothes where they were and stood, pushing the ball of her hand harshly into her forehead. “No, I’m not, you- It’s not you, I’m just weird today. I’m sorry.”

“Okay,” Catra replied quietly.

Adora sighed, letting her hands fall to her hips. Her arms were trembling, and she hoped it wasn’t visible. “We’ll just- We’ll go to breakfast, and have a good time, and- and it’ll be fine. I’ll get snapped out of this funk, and- Yeah. It’s fine.”

“We don’t have to go.”

Finally, Adora turned to look at her. To anyone else, Catra’s face would have read as impassive. But she was nervous. It was easy for Adora to see. She was nervous, and it was Adora’s fault. She quickly looked away.

“Let’s just go.”

Breakfast, unfortunately, had not done anything to calm Adora’s nerves. She was upset at how loud they were being, which didn’t make any sense. It’s not like they were going to get in trouble. But her mind kept saying, _someone is going to hear us! They’re being too loud, someone will notice!_ and she couldn’t push that away. Each clink of silverware sounded like a weapon. Each shout was someone who could be hurt.

She tried to eat. Stupidly, she’d shoved a big bite into her mouth as an excuse not to talk to anyone, and had quickly regretted it. She managed to swallow after some effort, but she had to hide her gagging behind her napkin.

She only had to sit there and wait for breakfast to be done. She could nod and smile at people without really hearing what they were saying. She could hide her fists in her lap and clench her body so tight she wouldn’t shake. The only person who might be able to hear her racing heartbeat was Catra, but she didn’t think even she could hear it over the clamor of the table.

If they could just _be quiet_.

“And then it was like _pow!_ And I was like aaaaauuurrrghghgh, _noooooo!_ ” Frosta screamed, completely taken in her own narration. She swung her fists, wiggling in her seat. “And then the guy was like _why would you do this!_ ” At this beat, she leaned towards Catra in the seat next to her. Catra could only sit and be a prop as Frosta shook her, and then, not hurting- not- it wasn’t _real_ \- wrapped her arms around Catra’s neck.

That was it. That was the straw.

The whole table jumped at the force of Adora’s hands slamming down.

“Don’t _touch her!”_

Everyone was frozen. The only person who didn’t look surprised by her outburst was Catra, who just looked … sad.

Frosta slowly pulled away. Her eyes were bright with tears.

“I- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

Adora’s hands curled into fists on the table. She hung her head, trying to control her breathing. They all looked shocked, and, in Adora’s mind, disappointed. _Finally, she’s snapped_ , their faces seemed to say.

Her shoulders shook. A red, angry blush had blotched her whole face. She was horribly embarrassed, and embarrassed further by the tears that stung her eyes. But she couldn’t take this anymore. It felt like her heart would explode from her chest at any moment.

She grabbed Catra’s wrist and dragged her from the room. More than anything, she wanted to be alone, because clearly she couldn’t be around people without acting like some sort of freak. But the thought of having Catra out of her sight made her taste bile at the back of her throat. She’d barely been able to look at her, but being away from her sounded like the most horrible thing on the planet.

She was back to their room before she really noticed, the door slamming shut behind them.

She dropped Catra’s wrist. Her arms crossed tightly against her chest as she looked away.

For a moment, Catra didn’t say anything. Adora didn’t want her to say anything.

Of course, that couldn’t last for long.

“So that was weird,” Catra said, and it just- Maybe it was just Adora’s mind twisting it, because it didn’t really sound judgmental, not really. But it was the last thing she wanted to hear.

“I know!” she shouted, spinning to face her. “Do you think I don’t know that?”

Catra just watched her, tail flicking.

Adora stumbled back a step. She covered her face with her hands and dropped to the floor where she stood.

“I’m _sorry_ ,” she groaned, muffled by her palms. “I don’t know what’s happening.”

She heard the shuffling of clothes, and then Catra’s voice, like she had crouched.

“What are you feeling?”

“ _Pissed off_ ,” Adora ground out. “So, so, incredibly pissed, and I don’t know why.”

“Yeah,” Catra said, like that didn’t surprise her. “Pissed is easier.”

Adora pulled her hands away. She let her knees rise to her chest and let her chin rest on them, gripping tightly at her legs. “What do you mean?”

Catra tilted her head a little, ear flicking. Adora hated sometimes how those mismatched eyes could look right through her.

“Well, angry is safer than being scared. Scared makes you stupid, it means you’ll make a mistake. If you’re angry, no one is going to get the drop on you. And someone’s about to, right? Any moment now, it’s going to happen. So, you’re mad, you’re watchful, you’re ready to pounce back the second anyone tries anything. Because it doesn’t make sense that no one is going to try anything.”

Adora’s lip trembled. “These are my _friends_. We’re _safe_ —why don’t I feel like we’re safe?”

“Because we never have been before.”

She let her forehead drop to her knees, her nails digging into her legs.

“Do you want a hug?”

“No,” Adora quickly said. She didn’t mean for it to be rude, but she knew with Catra it was a genuine question. Glimmer might have taken offence, Bow might have, but Catra wouldn’t mind one way or the other. “N-No, thank you.”

“Okay.”

“What—” She forced herself to swallow the acrid taste. “What do I do?”

Catra was quiet for a long time, quiet enough that Adora eventually looked up at her. She was looking around the room, brows furrowed in thought.

“I think we set up in that corner,” she said, pointing. “That has the best vantage point, we can see the windows, too. I’ll put a note on the door in case anyone comes to check, and we’ll lock it. Bar it with … I guess the lamp would do. All the sharp stuff stays with us in the corner. Put your shoes on, in case you have to run. How long can you keep your sword out for? We don’t know how long this is going to last. You can do some jumping jacks or squats until you feel like you can sit still.” Finally, her head turned back to Adora, and her eyes widened. “What?”

“That was really thought out. This has happened to you before.”

Catra’s ears flattened. Her tail flicked sharply. Adora could see the retort on the tip of her tongue, but then her shoulders sagged.

“Yeah,” she said. “A lot.”

“Recently?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

Catra’s mouth bobbed open for a moment as she tried to find what to say. “I just … I don’t know. I was worried you’d, like … tell me I had no reason to feel like that. Which is true. But I didn’t want to hear it. So I just … kind of … kept to myself. Kept quiet. And when I snap at people, it isn’t as surprising, so most people don’t notice. I’m angry all the time, so people like … don’t really pick up on when it’s worse.”

Adora squeezed her knees. Her heart was still racing. “I’m sorry. This … really sucks. I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with it.”

Catra shrugged, silent.

“So … that corner?”

They set up just as Catra had instructed, and she left a note, as she said she would. Adora jumped and squatted, and briefly sprinted from corner to corner of the room, until she felt some semblance of calmer. Then she and Catra settled down. But still, she was antsy.

“Can you …?” Adora swallowed. She felt like her request might go horribly wrong. “I know you don’t need protecting. You- You can handle yourself, and you don’t like it, and I know I shouldn’t …”

Catra watched her, a quiet understanding on her face. “Tell me what you need.”

“Can you sit behind me? In the corner.”

She was shocked when Catra merely nodded and adjusted herself in the corner of the walls.

“Anything else?”

Adora positioned herself in front and called her sword. She took a deep breath, though it still shook. “Can you, um … talk? Like, just … I might not respond, but just so I know you’re there.”

Catra slipped down in the corner a bit, letting her legs spread out to Adora’s either side. She wasn’t touching, but Adora could see her feet, and that was good.

“Yeah, I can do that,” Catra said. She paused for a moment. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, I know it won’t really make sense for a while, but … nothing is going to happen to me, okay? I’m not going anywhere. I just needed you to know that.”

“ _Too much_ has happened to you.” Her grip on the hilt of her sword tightened. “I can’t- I- I can’t handle even one more thing. I can’t _let it_ , okay? I just—”

Adora swallowed, and Catra’s toes curled and uncurled.

“What do you want me to talk about?”

“Anything.”

“Okay.” Curl, uncurl. She began to speak, and Adora wasn’t really sure about what. It might not even have been connected, just random remarks, observations, stories. But as long as she kept talking, it meant she was there, she was safe. No one was going to take her away again. So Adora sat, legs crossed, sword at the ready, and stood guard.

No one was going to separate them again. 

-

Catra flipped as she hit the ground, skidding to a halt on all fours.

“Come on!” she yelled. “You keep holding back!”

Adora watched nervously from the side. She knew Glimmer wouldn’t really hurt Catra, none of them would. But Catra had gone three rounds before this, and the girl was huffing as she fought, sweat plastering her short hair to her forehead.

“Guys,” Adora whined, though she’d never admit that’s what it was. “Just be careful, okay?”

Catra continued as if she hadn’t heard her.

“No one is going to hold back for you in battle! If you train yourself to pull punches it could cost you your life!”

And then she lunged again like a coiled spring, falling on Glimmer with claws outstretched.

Glimmer grunted with exertion as she rolled with the trajectory of the force, twisted, and hurled Catra away.

Catra flipped and landed on her feet.

Magic sizzled at Glimmer’s fingers as she shot one, two spheres of force energy.

Easily, Catra dodged both.

“This is why I was always able to beat you guys—it’s like you’re not even trying!”

Adora bit her lip. It was an obvious bait, one that Glimmer would fall for.

And she did.

With a strangled yell, Glimmer clawed her hands through the air, gathering glowing magic out of the molecules around her. She shook with the force of containing it. Her hands reared back. She shot.

And Catra went down.

“Catra!” Adora shrieked.

Everyone in the training room descended on the girl as she pushed herself up on shaky arms, coughing. When she managed to raise her hand to wipe at her mouth, there was blood.

“That was better,” she groaned, steadying herself on one elbow.

“I’m _so sorry_ ,” Glimmer said, hands on her mouth. “Catra, I didn’t mean to- I’m so sorry!”

Adora pushed past her, kneeling behind Catra to steady her.

“S’okay. I was asking for that one.”

“Hey,” Adora whispered, brushing her hair back. With her other hand, she moved Catra’s hand, exposing the harsh magical burn on her shirt. “Are you okay?”

“Mm. Fine.” Catra tried to sit up, swaying a bit. “Help me up. I’ve got the next one.”

Adora scoffed indignantly. “You are _not_ fighting again. You’ve taken too many hits as it is.”

From beside them, Scorpia’s pincers clicked nervously. “You might want to get that looked at, wildcat.”

“Let’s bring her to the healer,” Glimmer said, eyes wet, nerves and guilt playing across her face.

“I said I’m _fine_. Help me up.”

Grudgingly, Adora did.

The girl swayed as she stood, getting her bearings. She drew labored breaths, one hand hovering above the scorched fabric of her shirt.

“Who’s next?” she asked, slurring just a tad. “You- Uh- Helmet. You haven’t got a turn yet.”

The guard blinked, one finger rising to point at herself in question.

“Absolutely _not_ ,” Adora said, stepping closer. “You’re going to a healer, or you’re going to bed, which is it?”

“You can’t tell me what to do,” Catra snapped.

“I can and I am. Which is it?”

Her dark ears flattened as she hissed.

“Do you want me to sting her?” Scorpia whispered.

“I’m _fine!_ Just- Just give me a second.” Her hand rose to press against her forehead as she panted and swayed. She took a deep breath, wincing as it stretched the fresh wound against her side. “Okay. Here’s what’s—”

And she dropped.

Adora caught her before she hit the ground. She knew her face was livid as she turned toward Glimmer, hoping she knew it wasn’t directed at her, but at the shaking girl in her arms.

“Glimmer? Room?”

“On it.”

She knelt, and in half a second, they were on the floor of Adora and Catra’s bedroom.

Catra groaned.

“We wouldn’t have had to teleport if you weren’t being an ass,” Adora grumbled.

She hefted the other girl onto the bed. Catra immediately curled into a ball, facing the other wall.

Glimmer’s hands wrung as she looked at them. “I’ll- um—” And then she was gone. Moments later, she popped back with a glass of water. “Do you need anything? I’m sorry again—”

“Wasn’t your fault,” Adora assured her, laying a hand on her arm with a strained smile. “Seriously. It’s okay. She just needs some rest. I’ll get you if we need anything.”

Glimmer nodded, setting down the glass and wrapping her arms around herself. “My dad’s around, too. And if you need ointment or- or bandages—”

“Thank you.”

Glimmer nodded again, spared a last look towards the girl on the bed, and poofed.

Adora sighed.

“’M fine,” Catra mumbled into the blankets.

“No.” Adora sat on the opposite side of the bed. “You’re not.”

There was quiet.

Adora’s fingers scraped against the seam of her workout pants, trying to figure out what to say. Behind her, Catra’s raspy breathing.

She cleared her throat.

“You’ve been doing this a lot. Taking hits.” When there wasn’t a response, she continued, “You could have dodged that. I know you could’ve dodged some of those.”

Catra was silent.

With a roll of her eyes, Adora rose and picked up an old tank top that was lying across a chair. She dunked it into the pool below the waterfall, then crossed over to Catra. It wasn’t the most hygienic, but they’d gotten by on worse.

Catra had her eyes shut, a sheen of sweat across her forehead.

“Let me see it.”

She watched Catra’s throat bob in a swallow before she moved her hand.

Adora hiked up her now ruined shirt, surveying the damage.

It wasn’t like a fire burn, though burn was probably what you’d call it. It was more like when Entrapta spilled something on herself in her lab. Some of the skin was gone, mottled pink and blue between irritated skin and bruise. The thin hairs on Catra’s stomach had been burned away around it.

“Fuck, Catra,” Adora mumbled.

For just a moment, a pleased smile flicked at her lips. “I made She-ra curse.”

“No, you made Adora curse.” She let the wet tank top fall, perhaps a little too harshly, against the burn. Catra’s stomach jumped as she sucked in a breath. “And Adora curses. I just don’t like to give you the satisfaction.”

Catra panted. “Little warning would have been nice.”

“Mm.”

Catra swallowed again. “… You’re mad at me.”

“Of course I’m mad!” she bit back. “You lost those fights on purpose.”

Catra’s lips twisted, though she still didn’t open her eyes. “… Didn’t lose.”

“Catra!”

“What do you want me to say?” It sounded angry, but soon her hand fell over Adora’s where it was holding the makeshift rag. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

Adora sighed. “I want to know why.”

“I …” Catra’s jaw clenched. “I can’t tell you.”

“Then I’m still mad,” Adora decided. She pressed the tank top a little harder. “Is this … Is this you acting out? Do you not like it here? I seriously don’t get it, Catra.”

Catra’s face pinched like she might cry.

“Why don’t you feel like you can tell me?”

“Because it’s _dumb_ ,” Catra ground out, voice wet. “It’s- It’s so fucking stupid, and you won’t get it, and- and it’s the old Catra, and I’m trying to be better, but- but I _am_ the old Catra, and I always will be, and as soon as you realize that …”

Her face pinched further.

“Is that what this is about?” Adora breathed. “Are you … Is this … penance?”

Catra took in a shaky gasp, obviously holding back tears. Her hand clutched at Adora’s.

“I’ve hurt everyone here so much. It only seems fair that now, they get to hurt me back.”

Adora stared at her. A tear slipped down her tan cheek.

“Catra … You know that’s not how it works, right? That’s not how any of this works.”

“I know!” Catra yelled, her eyes finally opening to glare at Adora. “I _know_ that! That’s why it’s _stupid!_ I’m such a fucking idiot, I know this doesn’t make sense, I know it’s not helping anyone, but- but I can’t stop thinking that- that I don’t _deserve_ this! I don’t deserve these friends, this place—” Her jaw shook. “You.”

Adora’s brows furrowed, holding in tears herself. Catra’s head dropped back down to the bed, sniffling as the tears rolled sideways across her face.

“You’re punishing yourself because no one else will.”

Catra hummed, turning so her face was buried against the sheets and she wouldn’t have to look at Adora anymore.

“What am I doing wrong,” Adora asked, “that makes you think that’s necessary?”

“It’s not you.” Catra’s chest jumped as she cried. “It’s- All my life I’ve been told I’m not good enough. That I’m worthless compared to- That I don’t matter. And I act a big game, but … After a while you start to believe it, okay? You just … At some point you accept it. And I can bluster all I want, but when you believe something like that, when you _know_ you’re worthless … and then you make mistakes, so many mistakes, that hurt so many people … and you just … accept that these good things, the good things you finally have, shouldn’t be yours. That you don’t deserve them. But there’s no way to convince anyone else of that, because- because they _care_ , they really care about you, and you can’t figure out _why_. Why can’t they see it? Can’t they see I’m pathetic? That all I do is hurt people? They treat me so kindly, and … they shouldn’t. So, I do this. Little things, that … I don’t know. Make more sense. Even the playing field. Karmic justice, and all that.”

For a long few moments, Adora didn’t move, just held the fabric against Catra’s side and watched as she cried into the covers. Then, she let the tank top fall to the floor and rolled Catra’s shirt back down. With careful movements, she stood and crawled to the other side of the bed, so she was behind, and laid down.

“Can I hug you?” she asked quietly.

Catra nodded.

Adora wrapped her arms around Catra’s waist, careful of the burn, and Catra shifted to let her. She pulled the smaller girl against her chest and buried her face against the back of Catra’s neck.

“It makes me really sad to hear you say that.”

Catra moved her arms to cover Adora’s and squeezed. “I knew you wouldn’t get it.”

“No, I do. I understand what you’re saying. I think you’re wrong, but I understand.” She sighed, nuzzling closer. “I know that the way we were raised messed us up in ways that we’re still learning about and unpacking to this day. I’m not sure we’re ever going to be through feeling the ramifications of that. But the thing is that the Horde was _wrong_. The ways they taught us to think were wrong. The rest of the world—the world now—isn’t like the Horde. Your friends care about you because they’re your friends. There’s no hidden agenda, there’s no strings. Sure, they might be mad when you snap at them, and sometimes friends fight. But they really, honestly, truly care about you. And I know you say you’re doing this for- for justice, to make up for things you’ve done in the past. But if you told them this, it would only make them sad. Just like it’s made me sad.”

Catra trembled in her arms.

“I don’t know how to be different.”

“I know it’s hard. I know some things are so ingrained you don’t know where they stop and you begin. But … please, just … just let us love you. No strings attached. Because we love you, Catra, so much. And you doing this isn’t helping anyone. It’s only hurting us more.”

Catra clenched. “I didn’t mean to—”

Adora shushed her, holding her tighter. She pressed a kiss against the scar on Catra’s neck, and felt the shiver that ran through her at the touch.

“Would you be happy if I was doing this?”

“No.”

“What if Glimmer was? Bow?”

“No.”

“Scorpia?”

“Okay, I get it.”

“Can you name a single one of your friends who would be, even a little bit, even deep down, okay with you punishing yourself like this?”

Catra was silent.

“You can’t, can you?”

Catra shook with her cries, and her nails dug, just a little, into Adora’s arms. “I don’t know what else to do! I don’t know what will ever make up for it all.”

Adora breathed against her neck, breathed in the smell of her fur and her favorite shampoo.

“You being here is what makes up for it. You being here is enough. That’s all we want. When I wake up and you’re curled up with me, that’s enough. When you screw up Bow’s birthday cake and make another, because you care to get it right, that’s enough. We just want you here.” She pressed closer, kissing the scar again. “Why don’t you think you’re good enough, Catra?”

One sob. Two. The nails dug a little deeper.

“Horde Prime is gone,” Catra choked out. “Shadow Weaver is gone. The Horde is reformed. Hordak is … Hordak. Sometimes … Sometimes I feel like I’m the worst person left on the entire planet.”

Adora was quiet for a moment.

“The last time I was visiting Frosta, there was this guy named Gimmo who was just- just really an ass. Absolute dick. So, you know … I think it might be him.”

Catra laughed, loud, surprised, before the sound turned into a cry.

“Catra … you’ve changed. You’ve made mistakes, and we can all acknowledge that. But why can everyone but you see how much you’ve grown? How much you’re trying to grow. Why are you the only person who can’t see how loved you are, and how worthy you are of that love?”

Catra stilled in her arms. The nails retreated.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Adora said. “I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t. I love you with my whole heart, and I’m so glad you’re here. I’ll tell you every day until you believe me.”

Quiet.

“Promise?”

“Promise.” 

-

Sometimes the days weren’t easy, and sometimes the nights were harder. For every victory, for every inch of purchase, of stability, of calm, they fought an uphill battle. 

They helped each other. And sometimes they dragged each other down, too, when the nights were bad and it seemed like the sun was never going to rise. 

But more often, and more importantly, there were good days. There were days where their friends laughed with them, and they learned to bake. Days where She-ra would appear just to carry Catra around, because she liked it. Days where they fought and no one got hurt, where Catra learned to use a bow, where Adora drew terrible pictures and liked it. 

And nights where they would lie on the roof and look at the stars, millions of suns, millions of worlds, and think, _Wow. Those are there because of us. I guess it wasn’t all bad_. 

And those days, and those nights, were so good—had come after so long of wanting for them—that the bad days didn’t trouble them nearly so much. 

And when they did, they had each other. 

They were never letting go again. 

**Author's Note:**

> currently obsessed with she ra so if you want to see a specific fic written feel free to leave a prompt on tumblr @ buckysbears


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